


Unknown

by charons_boat



Series: The Pain of Unrequited Love [3]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Café, Comebacks, Gardenia, Known hanahaki, M/M, Mentioned NCT Dream, Multi, Phone Call, Suicide Attempt, aster - Freeform, award show, broken glass, hanahaki, hanahaki surgery, looking back, mentioned haechan, seclusion, soulmate death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:20:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21664348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charons_boat/pseuds/charons_boat
Summary: Seungcheol is not his soulmate. He doesn't realize it until the leader's boyfriends come over, one thing leading to another and Hansol getting angry. He wants to continue arguing, but he can't stop coughing.After that, it's all he can do to stay away.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon, Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan, Jeon Wonwoo/Kim Mingyu
Series: The Pain of Unrequited Love [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1455454
Comments: 10
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter I

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that these are not completely accurate depictions of their comebacks or their personalities. This is a hanahaki fic and there are multiple deaths mentioned, and there is a suicide attempt. Please be careful reading.

We'd just finished the last stage of our promotions for 'You Made My Dawn', and god it was hard on me. I struggled not to stumble off stage, to look like I was okay. I almost hoped we didn't win this time, so we wouldn't have to do an encore performance. I wondered whether the other three were having thoughts like this, or if they wanted to win despite their knowledge of my condition.

As soon as we were off the stage, I let myself stumble, tired from the effort of keeping it together. Seungcheol and Wonwoo stepped close to me and wrapped their arms around my shoulders and waist, to help me stay upright so they could practically drag me to our dressing room. I could feel the need to cough building in my throat, and I suppressed it as we walked past other idol groups; I wondered how it had come to this as I took in the pitying glances and whispers that followed in our wake. Most of the idol community knew about my hanahaki, though no one else knew who I had it for.

The moment Seungcheol and Wonwoo put me in my chair, Mingyu closing and locking the door, I let the coughs rack my body. Petals spilled from my lips, blood spotting them for the first time. I grabbed the arms of my chair tight, folding in half in my chair to let the petals fall on the floor. Tears streamed down my face, and Mingyu dragged his chair over, sitting on the edge and rubbing my back for a while before running his fingers through my hair. He switched between the two actions while the other two sat in their chairs just outside an arm-length away -the closest I ever let them come when I had an attack- until I stopped coughing. I sat there for a moment once it was over, breathing heavily, letting the last remnants of my tears slip away down my face, before sitting up and slumping down in my chair.

Mingyu ran a damp cloth over my face while Wonwoo got up and wiped the spit and tears from my face with a few tissues. None of the other idols knew who the cause of my hanahaki was, but my team knew. I acted the same as I always had in public, but in private, I never let Seungcheol touch me anymore, not unless it was necessary. And he obliged me on my one wish, staying as close as I'd let him, watching me with pained eyes. I ignored him and thought for the second time that day, _how did it turn out like this?_


	2. Chapter II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're gonna be short for a while.

Sometimes I think it started during 'BOYS BE', during the 'MANSAE' era. We got a lot closer during that time, before I knew he was dating Yoon Jeonghan and Joshua Hong, two very famous models who almost exclusively worked with each other. We hung out all the time after practice, wanting to give Wonwoo and Mingyu space since they'd just started dating then. It was during that time, when I was so uncertain of how good we were, of whether people liked us enough that we could stay together, of when I doubted my own ability, that Seungcheol became my best friend, at the least. 

He'd play games with me, even if they were ones we'd finished already or ones he didn't like, and he'd always reassure me that we were really good, and that the amount of support we got proved that, and that he thought I was a lot better rapper than he was. He helped me to see that the hate we got was unfounded, little more than the nasty opinions of people who were unhappy with themselves and needed some way to make themselves feel better. Seungcheol helped me feel confident in myself, and I think that was part of what started it.

Just him being there for me, while the other two were drunk off their love, during one of our most fragile times. He told me countless times that if it was going to happen at any time, it would be now, when we were new and inexperienced, but that the only way we wouldn't make it would be if we let our doubts and the hate of others get to us and drive us to a premature disbanding. It was something none of us wanted, so we all promised each other we'd be there for each other and take care of each other.


	3. Chapter III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a little bit of cussing. Maybe one or two words? And also mentions of hate comments.

Other times, I'll think it was during the repackage of 'Love&Letter', when Seungcheol started cooking for us every night, saying he wanted to make sure we were taking care of ourselves well. We were supposed to be on diets then, but that never stopped him from feeding us what seemed like our weight in food every night, at nearly midnight, after a long day full of schedules promoting the repackage album. It might have also been the outfits they had us wearing, or how well he did the choreo for 'VERY NICE', but in my defense he looked great doing that damn suspenders dance. I nearly fucked it up everytime because I'd get ever-so-slightly distracted watching him.

We'd all laugh it off when he tripped over his own feet, trying to make us all laugh during practices. We started getting more hate during that time, and we couldn't stop ourselves from reading everything we saw. We read things about how we were uncoordinated and clumsy, people wondering why four rappers were dancing around the stage like sissies instead of acting like other rappers. They called for our attention and told us to stop singing and rapping in our songs, to stop dancing, because we were barely decent rappers and were even worse singers and dancers and asked what we were thinking when we debuted thinking we could just do as we pleased.

We also saw fans clearing searches by practically spamming Twitter with lists of nice things about us and cute pictures and loving memes they'd made of us. We looked at fanarts, drawn so well they looked real, others not so realistic, but loved by the four of us all the same, simply because of the effort they put in. We read supportive messages that often started with _You guys probably won't see this, but…_ and showed each other edited pictures and videos they'd done of us, shocked expressions on our faces when we saw how well they did.

I think that was closer to the beginning of the end for me.


	4. Chapter IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cursing and also a surprise 👀 but not a good one oof 
> 
> Oh and also a verbal fight

But then, looking back, I know that before we put out 'Going Seventeen', I was already in love. He spent a lot of time on his phone, and didn't cook as often, so it made the times we all hung out a lot more special. I spent more time around Wonwoo and Mingyu, simply because they were available more often than Seungcheol was. He went out a lot, though he would never tell us where he was going, just asked us not to tell the manager and to leave the door unlocked if we went to sleep before he came back.

We started a long-lasting tradition of movie nights on Fridays, as a way to make sure he spent at least one night at home. We alternated weeks, a different person having the privilege of choosing the movies every week. Seungcheol always picked sappy romances, while Wonwoo and Mingyu picked either horrors or comedies. I usually picked kids movies I remembered watching as a kid or American comedies. The other three didn't understand them at first, but they came to enjoy the different style of humor after the second week.

I didn't know how to feel when he came home with two strangers one night. I wasn't sure he saw me, and I didn't want to interrupt him, feeling my curiosity wasn't important enough to get in the way of whatever he had these men over for; they were probably just friends of his anyways.

I snuck into my room once they'd passed my door on the way to his room and laid down in my bed, curling under the covers. I knew what to think of those two men with Seungcheol when I heard the noises from the room across the door. I laid there, feeling my heart ache, and trying to ignore it. I got up quietly, walking over to the door and closing it. I grabbed my headphones and plugged them into my phone, blasting music from _DREAM_ in my ears as I struggled to fall asleep. It was loud enough to block out what I didn't want to hear, but my mind kept making me think their noise was leaking through the blaring of 'Chewing Gum' in my ears.

There were no signs of what they did last night when we woke up to Seungcheol cooking pancakes in the kitchen, two men resting against the counters on either side of him. I was sure I looked like a mess, a very tired, irritated mess with bags under my eyes, because I hadn't gotten any sleep last night. I sat at the table and glared at the three of them, unsure whether I was more upset that they messed with my sleep or that they had something very significant with Seungcheol.

Wonwoo and Mingyu woke up, looking just fine, like they had no idea who the men were. They didn't, apparently, looking very surprised and -for a second- scared when they saw the guys against the counters. The strangers noticed me when Wonwoo and Mingyu sat at the table to my left, in their usual spots, and suddenly looked extremely uncomfortable. Wonwoo noticed and laughed, making Seungcheol turn around with a plate full of pancakes in his hands and a _Kiss the Chef_ apron tied around his torso. I scoffed and he raised an eyebrow at me.

"Vernon, stop glaring at them, you know you're very intimidating in the morning, especially when you glare like that," Seungcheol scolded me. I levelled my glare at him. He never called me Vernon, hadn't since the first week of our debut.

"I fucking know that, Seungcheol, it's kinda exactly what I'm going for right now," I muttered. He set the plate on the table and smacked my hand when I reached for one. I threw my hands up and crossed my arms over my chest, slumping down in my chair.

"Why are you trying to make them scared of you? We've told you many times before that you aren't actually scary, Vernon," he reminded me. I huffed. Mingyu caught onto Seungcheol's use of my stage name, also my middle name, and furrowed his brows. I stared right into Seungcheol's eyes, and he started to shift around. They said I wasn't scary, but I could seem like it some mornings. This was _very obviously_ one of those mornings.

"Well, to be honest, there're two reasons. First, you never call me 'Vernon', and it's rubbing me the wrong way that you're only doing it because of whoever the hell these two guys are. Second, I tend to get pissy when strangers interrupt and keep me up all night because they don't know how to fucking be quiet," I deadpanned, completely monotone and emotionless. Well, maybe there was a little bit of anger and hurt in my voice.

Everyone in the room looked shocked. Wonwoo whipped his head around to look at Seungcheol, Mingyu did the same to look at the strangers now blushing and fidgeting against the counters, and Seungcheol went from mortified to ashamed to nervous to angry. I stared him down defiantly, daring him to tell me I was wrong, to tell me I'd heard incorrectly or assumed the wrong things. He didn't do that, though. Just introduced us to his boyfriends, Jeonghan and Joshua, models I vaguely recognized from social media. I returned to glaring at them, and they turned even redder, and Seungcheol yelled at me.

"Stop glaring at them, Vernon, goddamn! So you lost a little sleep, get the fuck over it! It's not like this is gonna happen everyday, it was just last night ‘cause they were hours away from their apartments and we lost track of the time and-"

"You could have just gone to sleep, asshole! You've been sneaking out for weeks, making us cover for you, and for what?! So you break that stupid dating ban?! What do you think is going to happen when the company finds out? It's going to be this giant scandal, and it's gonna cause so many problems, for us and them! And here we were thinking you were just going to arcades or out for walks or late night snack, I can't believe- you could've-"

I wanted to keep yelling at him, I really did. However, I suddenly started coughing. I had no clue as to why, only that my lungs were tight as a drum and I felt nauseous. I screwed up my face in confusion as I grabbed at my chest, feeling the pounding of my heart like the bass-boosted songs Mingyu liked to play in the car. I felt hands rubbing my back- no, they were pounding on it, trying to force out whatever was making me cough. When I finally stopped coughing, I felt something laying lightly on my tongue. I spat out whatever they were and wiped the spit off my lips. I heard gasps and opened my eyes, wondering what was going on. I saw flower petals on the table, damp with saliva, and I just looked at them, not comprehending what that meant.

After a few moments, I looked up at the other five men in the room. My eyes were wide, just like all of theirs, and they were staring at me with wide eyes. I stood up and ran out the door before anyone could say a word. When I came back after dark, Mingyu, Wonwoo, and Seungcheol were asleep in the living room, all facing the front door, like they'd been waiting for me. There were pancakes in the freezer, which I warmed up as quietly as I could. I ate them and cried silently, unwilling to wake them up. I ended up falling asleep at the table.


	5. Chapter V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a bit longer and we finally get to meet some new people 👀

They woke me that next day by shaking my shoulders and calling my name softly. Hansol this time, not Vernon, probably because Seungcheol's boyfriends were gone. We all moved into the living room and sat where we could see each other, and we talked. Talked about how I was upset over Seungcheol's use of my stage name around his boyfriends, about the flower petals I'd coughed up last night. We looked up the meanings of the three petals; gardenias were 'secret love', because this was something I'd have to hide from our fans, something I had hidden from myself and from Seungcheol. 

We decided, after much debated and little cooperation on my part, that I'd try to stop loving him on my own. Stop spending so much time around him, stop thinking about him so often, maybe pick up a new hobby to distract myself. The last one was the only truly plausible option, seeing as I lived with Seungcheol the same as Wonwoo and Mingyu, and moving out was not an option. So, we tried to find things I liked. 

I painted for all of a week. It wasn't much better than a four-year-old's finger painting, and we all agreed to just burn what I'd come up with. Joshua, who'd come to visit while Jeonghan was at a photoshoot, had taken a look at the pile of canvases and the lighter in Mingyu's hand and pointed out that it was a safety hazard and we'd probably end up burning the entire building down. So, we just threw them away. 

After that, we tried instruments. Mostly the guitar and bass, but also brass instruments and woodwinds. However, though I was decent at the strings, I didn't have much fun with them. My fingers ached from the long hour I spent playing before giving up. The brass instruments were more fun, but too loud. We got complaints in the form of Kwon Soonyoung knocking on the door fifteen minutes later and politely telling us to shut the hell up. The woodwinds were just a disaster; I was hardly Jihoon with his fancy clarinet performances, and I could barely get a single note out. 

Physical exercise was redundant, because we already expended enough energy dancing as it was, and I just really hated running, and stretching, and weight-lifting and practically any other form of exercising that wasn't dancing. Once we reached that consensus, we tried to get into learning cover dances, but I really just couldn't put my heart into it. So, that avenue was exhausted. 

It was only a month into my hanahaki and hobby-finding endeavour, closing in on preparing to start preparing for another comeback, that we found something good enough to distract me from Seungcheol. 

It happened when we walked into a new cafe on the same road as our dorm. It had only been open a few weeks, and the attention had calmed down significantly. At first, there were a lot of people frequenting the cozy coffee shop, mainly fans hoping for the chance to be there at the same time as one of their idols. A lot of idols lived along the street after all, and it wasn't an unfounded hope, though it was a mildly disturbing one when you thought about it. 

We walked in, bare-faced with non-descript black masks and caps over our bedhead. We'd just woken up, and we were due to be at a meeting to discuss concepts and ideas for the next comeback in an hour. It was really an impulse decision, one where we almost screamed at the manager to stop driving and let us go get coffee. He let us only after we put on the masks and hats, and we were soon standing at the counter in crumpled tees and loose sweatpants, staring up at the menu. 

"Hello! Welcome to New Way, what can I get you," the cheery cashier asked. I looked away from the menu and opened my mouth, intending to tell him that I wanted, 'a caramel macchiato, please and thank you,' only I couldn't find it in myself to say anything. He was really cute. He had light brown hair and blue-green eyes; lenses, probably, and most likely dyed hair. He wore it well though, his hair long enough to be in his eyes but swept out of the way. Honestly speaking, his face was maybe a bit too round for some, but I just thought it made him look complete. Like, he wouldn't have looked right if his face wasn't just a little more on the soft side. He bit his lip -something he did often, judging from the state of his lips- and waved at me. The light in the cafe glinted off his name tag. 'Boo Seungkwan,' is what it said. Wow. That's such a cute name. 

"Uh…" he trailed off, blushing heavily. I stared, not processing until I glanced at the others and saw them staring at me with wide eyes. I licked my lips. I must've said that out loud. 

"Sorry! Sorry, I don't usually, uhm, speak my mind like that- not that I was, uh- caramel macchiato, please," I said hurriedly, sounding closer to a question, almost knocking my hat off my head as I attempted to run a hand through my hair to calm my nerves. He nodded, still seeming a bit dazed, and asked for a name. "Uh, Ver- wait, H-Hans- no, uhm, Chwe. Just, uh, Chwe." It took him a moment to piece it together. He stared at me with wide eyes once he figured it out, dropped his pen and just stared. When it clattered to the floor and almost caused a slip-and-fall accident, the staff in question cursing quietly after almost dropping a pot of coffee, he blinked and gasp, grabbing the pen and jotting down my name. I quickly walked off to the side, trying to ignore the way his eyes followed me despite needing to focus on the next customer. 

"Dude, what was that," came the disbelieving question, fueled mostly by shock. Mingyu stared at me incredulously, as if he couldn't believe what had just happened. I was surprised he was even awake enough to process what he saw in the first place. Wonwoo was speechless, and Seungcheol was actively absorbed in his phone. Typical. 

"I-I don't know what you're talking about. I just ordered a coffee. You guys did, too. Right," I asked, not remembering hearing them give the cute boy their orders. Seungkwan. Boo. Boo Seungkwan. Seungkwan Boo. Cute coffee boy. Runs a cashier, wears dyed brown hair and blue-green lenses like he was born with them. Devastatingly cute while he was blushing. Boo Seungkwan with his wide eyes and bitten lips and-

"Hansol! Snap out of it and go get our coffee so we can leave! We need to be at the meeting in like, thirty minutes," Wonwoo said, whispering loudly and snapping in front of my face. I blinked a few times and jumped when I heard the cashier yell my name again. My last name. 

"R-right, uhm, I'll just-" I walked to the counter as quickly as I could. The boy behind the counter stared at me as I took the cardboard cup tray from him, my name written on the side of a small cup of coffee. "Uhm, sorry about earlier, really I usually don't do stuff like that I just- I got a little distracted! Could you, uh, not tell anyone that we were here? We weren't really supposed to stop, and we have a meeting to be at in like- oh shit, we've only got twenty-five minutes! Okay, thank you for the coffee, bye!"

With that, we were dashing out the door, Seungcheol stopping to give the poor kid a twenty dollar tip -it was all he could see in his wallet on short notice like that- and piling into the car. I passed out coffee and no one said a word of it to the manager. No one mentioned it during the meeting, in which they discussed mainly an album of random songs we'd put together, like 'Check-In' and 'Trauma'. A music video for two or three, no real title track. Performing whichever ones the fans wanted to hear that day. It sounded very exhausting. 

The entire time, I was half-zoned out. I couldn't stop thinking about Boo Seungkwan the coffee boy as I sipped my macchiato. I wondered off-handedly if he was single, then blushed when I realized what I was thinking and coughed. And kept coughing. That was how the company found out. It wasn't even a gardenia, it was an aster. Later, after getting scolded and interrogated by the company, we googled the flower to see what it meant. Google provided us with 'patience, love of variety, elegance, daintiness, afterthought (or the wish that things had happened differently)'. I figured it was mostly the first one right now, maybe a bit of the last, and both aimed at Seungkwan. 

How ridiculous was it that I literally fell in love at first sight?


	6. Chapter VI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooh he revealed a bit of info he wasn't supposed to~  
> Its okay tho he safe

For weeks after that, throughout tentative choreos, half-frantic song writing, and experimental composing, I got coffee. New Way seemed to be open all the time, no matter what hour I went. Another worker told me that they were open 24/7 except for Sundays, and that they'd opened in the first place to cater to the idols that lived in the area. The influx of fans at the opening had only been let in so they would get the impression idols weren't going to end up there. All the workers were sworn to secrecy and had promised to respect anyone that came in and keep very clear boundaries. The main purpose of the place was to provide a safe spot for idols to relax. 

Seungkwan worked one of the earliest shifts, from about four in the morning to nearly noon. Everyone said he'd been one of the first -and best- applications according to the testimony the owner had unintentionally given. Lee Minhyuk had been very adamant that losing Seungkwan would be a disaster of the greatest degree, even if the boy insisted on working cashier for the first three hours of his shift. Though no one could figure it out, the manager would be damned before he forced Seungkwan to do otherwise, and so Seungkwan worked money in the hours before the sun was above the horizon. 

I only found any of this out by careful observation (read: obsessively visiting everyday at varying hours until I determined his schedule) and asking very sly, to-the-point questions (ie. barely comprehensible sentences stuttered out with blushed cheeks) of the staff. They all did me a favor and pretended not to notice what I was doing when I leaned over the counter a little too far, occasionally putting my chin in my hand and staring at him from my usual table. Seungkwan stopped protesting when I told him that the tips I gave him were only that big because they were simply the smallest bills in my wallet; I'd stopped carrying anything smaller than twenties in my wallet, though he didn't need to know that. I sometimes smiled too widely at him, and I knew for sure that my manager would've popped a gasket if he knew I took off my mask and cap when I went in. 

Every visit left me feeling light and happy, something heavy weighing down my lungs. I always forced it down until I was in the bathroom of the dance studio, only then letting the asters and gardenias come up. I'd drop them into the toilet and flush it before changing and moving into the practice room, going over past choreos to get back into the groove of dancing again. A few more weeks before the new choreographies for old songs were finalized and ready for us to learn. A few more weeks before we could start recording new songs, discussing a collaboration with Junhui and Minghao, which we were all very excited about because they were phenomenal dancers and we were plenty happy to provide a background track for them to choreograph and dance to. 

The others came with me some mornings, though they usually let me have the time in the cafe to myself so I could stare at Seungkwan without being teased. When they didn't come with, they told me to take a bit more time and come back with coffee for them. Sometimes, if there weren't many other customers, he'd be allowed to take a break and sit with me. Today was one of those days. 

"What've you been doing recently," I asked. He shrugged. 

"Not much, really. Working, mostly, and watching stuff on the TV. Dramas, generally, or, well, your music videos. Or memes about you guys. Interviews too, lots of stages. I- I probably sound like a creep, don't I? Sorry, I just- I'm not supposed to tell you I'm a fan," he muttered. I smiled widely. 

"No, it's okay! I'm glad actually! Who's your bias," I asked, smiling slyly. I can't be forced to admit that I wiggled my eyebrows at him. 

"Uh- I mean, you, obviously. Sometimes the others come for your spot, mostly Seungcheol. I mean, the suspenders? Seungcheol did so well, it's like he was born to wear suspenders! And his pants! They shouldn't have let him wear those," Seungkwan exclaimed, fingers pressed together as he hid his mouth behind his hands. He was staring very seriously at the table, and his lips were pressed into a thin line. I tried not to let it show, but I was upset. Or, jealous was probably a better word. Seungcheol did not need Seungkwan's attention, he already had two attractive, noisy boyfriends. Why was he allowed to have Seungkwan's attention too? He looked up and saw the annoyance on my face, and his face fell immediately. 

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said that! I'm such an idiot, I can't believe I just talked about your group-mate like that, I don't know what I was thinking. That was very rude, and wrong, and so inappropriate of me, I- how about a free coffee? Five free coffees? I'll pay for it, I'm so sorry, just-"

"Hey, calm down. Seungkwan stop, it's okay! That's not why I reacted that way, it was honestly something else. I just let my mind wander and I thought of something unpleasant and didn't think about how it would show! Please sit down, I don't need any free coffees- no thank you, Minhyuk, I'm just fine! Thanks for the offer though! Seungkwan, sit down," I said insistently. The owner walked away with his cup of caramel-flavoured coffee as I pulled on Seungkwan's sleeve. He sat down, biting his lip nervously while his eyes shone with the tears that filled his eyes. 

"How is it okay, Hansol? I was so disrespectful towards your group, surely you don't want to hear things like that," he said quietly, voice full of despair. I grabbed his hands and forced him to look me in the eyes. 

"Seungkwan, believe me, it's okay. It's nothing I haven't seen or… thought before," I murmured. His eyes widened, and he glanced around. I sighed and moved over in the booth seat, motioning towards the spot next to me after letting go of his hands. He sat next to me, blushing and blinking rapidly in an attempt to keep his tears from spilling. "Seungkwan, you can't tell anyone I said that, okay? It'll be this whole thing, and we'll get in trouble and they'll delay the comeback, and- shit, don't tell anyone about that either! God, what is wrong with me today, I don't understand." Seungkwan tentatively put a hand on my arm. 

"It's okay. I won't say anything. That's why Minhyuk opened this place anyways, so you guys wouldn't have to worry about things getting leaked. This is a safe place. And don't worry about what you said… before the comeback thing. It's understandable, I mean- you guys all live together, it makes sense. Mention of it will never be heard from me, I swear. You two don't have to worry about me exposing you," he said, sounding vaguely sad. It took a moment for me to process fully. My eyes widened. 

"Oh my god, no, we aren't- he's got uhm, I shouldn't tell you but he's got a couple of people. It's all consensual, everyone knows about everyone, they just- I'm not with him. Just, a small crush I guess. One I'm getting over, so, don't think about it anymore. Thank you, though, for the other stuff," I said quietly. I drained the rest of my coffee and set it on the table. He'd finished the small one I bought for him, in case he was able to sit with me, a while ago. "I need to go, I'm cutting it really close as it is." I pulled out my wallet and handed him a twenty. 

"You really don't need to tip me so much, I get-"

"I really kinda do though. I don't carry anything smaller than twenties, really," I said, showing him the bills in my wallet. 

"You don't have to tip me at all, this place pays well," he said. I shook my head. He grabbed the empty cups, but I took them from him and threw them away myself. He followed me, probably upset by me doing what he was going to, but I didn't give him any time to say anything. I wrapped my arms around him for a few seconds, slipping my number into his pocket. I pulled away and left, walking quickly down the street. Going to the studio on foot probably wasn't the best idea, but it was the only one I had. Besides, I needed to get coffee for the others. I'd forgotten today.


	7. Chapter VII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is shorter but next is last chapter!! Also it's longer!! The next one I mean
> 
> To that one reader that said u hoped it was gonna be a good ending... Right now, I'm sorry but it's very not good. In the future? Who knows? Certainly not me.

I got really busy once we started preparing for the comeback in earnest. I only had time to stop in the coffee shop for a few minutes, really only barely enough time to order the usual coffees and mutter a quick greeting to Seungkwan. He was getting busy too, with his college classes. He was going to a vocal school, because he wanted to be a singer. He had a lot of classes and more projects to work on. I wanted to offer him some help, with lyrics in the song he had to write maybe, or see if Jihoon had any spare time to compose a sample track for him, but I just didn't have the time. We were barely able to find the time to text for an hour before sleeping; he usually went to sleep before me, during our evening practices. I always told him I was going to sleep as well, but in reality, I went to sleep hours after that.

My hanahaki got worse again. There were more gardenia petals, which was alarming because it'd mostly become asters recently. I had an awful feeling that it meant I was falling in love with Seungcheol again, and I dreaded that. I was coughing almost constantly, and I had to take a lot of breaks. The company told me that I needed to get the surgery to remove my hanahaki, but I didn't want to do that. It would mean no longer loving Seungkwan as well as Seungcheol. So I refused, told them no, and went to the doctor to get some medicine for it, to make it easier. It wasn't that bad yet apparently. It felt like it was really bad though, so I wondered what truly bad was considered. 

The medicine did make it easier, as did cutting myself off from Seungcheol and Seungkwan. The less I interacted with them, the harder it was to love them. It hurt though, to not speak with Seungkwan, to ignore Seungcheol's weak attempts to become friends with me again. I hadn't really forgiven him for what happened with Jeonghan and Joshua. 

I tried to blanket myself in the coldness of the world around me. Winter seemed like the perfect time to stop loving someone, and the more our comeback progressed, as it came out and we did stage after stage, I was pleased and upset to find that my hanahaki eased significantly. I didn't have any issues as we sat in chairs and sang 'My I' so Junhui and Minghao could dance to it, with a long ribbon attached to their hands. During long recordings for variety shows and interviews, I coughed maybe once during the entire process. Time passed, and I didn't really feel anything. It was blissful, but terrible.


	8. Chapter VIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the last chapter. It's then longest probably, and it's also uhm not super happy. Idk how verkwan ends up in this series yet cause I haven't written seungkwan's part, so for right now it's not going to be a happy ending. Please note that there is a suicide attempt and glass gets broken, kinda self depreciation, mutual hanahaki, etc.

And then, we were no longer busy. Seungcheol tried to spend more time with all of us, and Seungkwan tried to talk to me more. We started hanging out outside of the coffee shop, though we didn't go to the dorm. I didn't really want to; it didn't feel right after what had happened the last time outsiders were brought to the dorm.

My hanahaki came back worse than ever, and I couldn't even distract myself enough to make it stop. By the time spring came around, and with it another album, called 'You Made My Dawn,' I was nearly coughing up full flowers. We instituted a rule that Seungcheol was no longer allowed to touch me, though I couldn't find it in me to do that to Seungkwan as well. The balance was constantly shifting, sometimes more gardenias, sometimes more asters. I didn't know what I wanted anymore, and it was killing me.

I knew, vaguely, that my soulmate was out there somewhere, maybe following a string on their finger. There were no flowers sprouting from my skin, so they must've been coming. Yet, no one had arrived. The only people present the first time I coughed up bloody petals were Mingyu, Wonwoo, and Seungcheol. The only people who knew were nothing close to my soulmates. They couldn't help me. They couldn't stop this, and I couldn't help myself like I had in the winter.

So I told them that I'd get the surgery after we finished promoting. Before it was too late, before it ruined my voice. We flew to America for some award show. We won something, though I couldn't be bothered to remember what. Seungkwan called me, full of praise and support. I thanked him, and we ended up talking for a long time. Right in the middle of the award show. Fans wondered later on who I was calling, and it almost turned into a scandal. Somehow, someone had the idea I was talking with a member of a girl group. No one mentioned Boo Seungkwan, or a barista at a cafe, so I assumed he'd done as he promised and said nothing. I was glad I could trust him.

I coughed, letting the dark color and indistinct shape of my mask hide the petals that came out as I walked through the airport, through crowds of fans taking pictures and videos. I wondered absently if anyone would notice; if anyone would care beyond how it would affect my performance, my voice, my body. I figured Seungkwan would care, and the others maybe, and the company just a bit. I climbed into a different car than the others, let the staff-member drive me to the hospital. The performance at the award show had been the last one of the promotions. We all agreed it was probably best that I get the surgery as soon as possible.

They put me under, but I felt the moment my soulmate died. It felt like someone had ripped my heart from my chest. The surgeons said I cried while I was unconscious, and when I watched the news afterwards, bleary and half-focused on the screen, I saw that there had been a huge crash in the city. Someone had hit a pedestrian crossing the road while they were focused on something else. Footage showed that it had happened while I was getting surgery, and I realized that maybe it had been my soulmate driving. If my hanahaki had been fixed by the surgery, I wouldn't need anyone to come save me, right? So what would happen to the string leading them to me?

I didn't talk to anyone for weeks. I didn't do any of the photoshoots the others did, didn't work on lyrics or appear on any shows with them. They went to Knowing Bros and explained that I was recovering from an injury. I snorted at that, though I supposed that an injury covered it well enough.

When I finally woke myself up at four-thirty in the morning and made the trip to the coffee shop, Seungkwan wasn't there. I asked his replacement where he was and was told that it was none of my business. Minhyuk saw me and asked where I'd been. I told him that I got sick was all, and he told me that Seungkwan was on sick leave. He didn't know why, but it was really serious. He'd called in almost a month ago and said he couldn't come in for a while.

I left without a coffee and called him. He didn't answer. I called again, and got nothing. I texted him and asked him to respond, and I got a text back saying, 'no.' I waited to respond until I was back in the dorm, passing the others plus Jeonghan and Joshua and went straight to my room and locked the door. I ignored the knocking as I sent him another message.

'minhyuk said u were on sick leave???'

'I don't want to talk, Hansol. Leave me alone.'

'kwannie, please. im worried. i went in for coffee and u weren't there'

'I'm tired. Go away.'

I called him again. Declined.

'Stop calling me!'

I called again. And again, and again until he finally answered.

"What do you want?!"

"I told you, I'm worried about you, Seungkwan. You've never taken a sick day, and now you've apparently been on leave for almost a month? That's around when I-"

It was silent for a moment as he waited for me to say more.

"When you what, Hansol?"

"When I got surgery," I said quietly. I was on the verge of tears. I'd locked myself away for weeks because I didn't want to go out and see Seungkwan and feel nothing. Today had been hard to do, and all I'd gotten from it was the knowledge that he hadn't been there anyways.

"Surgery? What for, what happened?"

"You... haven't been paying attention. How stupid it is of me to think you might have noticed what no one else would. I had hanahaki, Seungkwan, for you and Seungcheol, and it was always tipping one way or the other and it was tearing me apart. After we got back to Korea, after the award show, I went straight to the hospital and… they took everything away. I think I killed my soulmate by doing that. There was a crash on the news; it happened while I was in surgery, and I felt them die and I cried while I was unconscious. I haven't done anything since then. And I finally felt okay enough to chance going out and trying to see you -I've been so scared of seeing you and feeling nothing at all, I could barely stand to leave at all- and then you aren't there and the replacement doesn't know me and Minhyuk tells me and then- then you won't answer my calls? I-"

"I had it too! For you! I was just sitting on my bed one night, like, the day after the award show, and suddenly it feels like my heart is being put through a wood chipper? I didn't understand until I saw the news, and I just knew my soulmate must've been the one that got hit. I visited his grave afterwards. I didn't feel anything, just coughed and let the flower that came up fall onto his grave. My last flower for you. I-I couldn't forget how it felt, and I felt so guilty for falling in love with you, for not waiting for him! Like it was my fault he died in the first place! I couldn't handle it, I couldn't bear to see you afterwards, so I just didn't go in! I ignored anything and everything that could possibly relate to you, I- I didn't want to feel anything for someone that wasn't who I was meant for. But I can't just not. It's far too late, and even now, despite knowing that it's your fault my soulmate is dead, I- I still love you. I'm still so happy to talk to you again, and it makes me feel terrible."

I stayed quiet, thinking about what he'd said and doing my best to understand it.

"How stupid it is of me, to accuse you for not noticing when I didn't notice for you. How stupid it was of me to not just wait for a bit longer. They were almost here, they almost made it. We would've been okay by now. How stupid I am. I'm sorry to have bothered you, Seungkwan. Everything is my fault. I'm sorry."

"Hans-"

I ended the call and shut down my phone. I sat on my bed for a moment, feeling my heart break all over again. It was for Seungkwan this time. I couldn't tell whether it was love for him or remorse for what I did to him. I let anger at myself and my foolishness roll over me, hot and suffocating. I stood up, my phone still in my hand, and unlocked my door. It didn't really feel like I existed. My eyesight was blurry with tears as I walked towards the bathroom. As I closed the door and locked it, my ears began to ring. My heart was pounding and my lungs were burning, like I wasn't getting enough air. I stumbled towards the toilet and vomited into it. I pushed away from it and almost tripped into the wall behind me. I threw my phone, thought I yelled something as it hit the mirror and shattered.

I shut the toilet lid and turned on the faucet in the bathtub, not really feeling the tears work their way down my face. I didn't hear the pounding on the door over the filling of the tub, didn't feel like I was the one moving as I slid into the bathtub. I forgot how heavily clothes pressed against you when they were wet, how oppressive they could be. I kept them on as the water rose higher, as I slipped lower so I'd be under the surface faster. I just wanted it be over with.

I held my breath for a while, out of habit more than anything, until my lungs were burning too hotly to ignore. I took a breath and coughed as I inhaled water. It felt wrong in my lungs, more wrong than the flowers had. I wanted to sit up and breathe actual air, but at the same time I didn't. Before I could make my own decision, someone was pulling me out of the water. I didn't really feel the pounding on my back; it felt like it was happening to someone else. The faucet was turned off and I was settled onto the toilet lid, forced to look at the person in front of me. Joshua.

"…han, go get him some clothes, ask…"

I couldn't focus on what he was saying. I looked over at the door and saw a flash of blond dashing away. Joshua made me look at him again, and I just stared blankly. My ears were still ringing, and I couldn't think enough to try and decipher what he was saying. His mouth was moving, but I couldn't hear anything. I thought about how Haechan had confessed to having hanahaki months ago. I'd heard how much his voice had changed, heard about how bad his case was. Mine had been nothing compared to his. In one of fate's cruel tricks, one of his group-mates, Mark, had died of hanahaki weeks later. They had it so much worse than me, and here I was, doing stupid things over and over again.

"Hansol, focus on me. Answer me if you can hear me, answer if you understand."

"What's wrong with me," I asked quietly. Joshua's eyes widened, and his face fell. He looked like he might cry.

"Nothing is wrong with you, Hansol, trust-"

"I keep screwing up. I killed my soulmate and Seungkwan's and I should've just waited, just a little longer, we would've been okay if I waited a few more days. If I hadn't been so impatient they'd be alive, they might be with us right now, but I couldn't stand it anymore and mine wasn't even that bad, Haechan's was so much worse than mine and I'm just out there being a fuck-up and ruining everything. You should've left me in there! Maybe then Seungkwan's life would be better, he wouldn't hurt so much and he wouldn't feel guilty and he can go back to work and pretend he never met me, pretend I never fucked up his life. Maybe-"

"Hansol, stop! This isn't going to get you anywhere! Everyone makes mistakes, sure, but you made the right decision. You did what you needed to do to make yourself better! Haechan's pain doesn't make yours hurt any less, you don't need to feel anything as bad as he did for your pain to be validated. It's not your fault that you didn't want to be in pain anymore, and anyone who holds that against you isn't someone you need in your life! Give Seungkwan time. He's lost his soulmate recently and so have you! You both need time to heal again. You lost your soulmates and you lost each other. Give him time, and give yourself time, and then you can help each other get better. I know all your feelings get removed with hanahaki, but who says you can't fall in love with him again? I never even saw you interact with him and I know it wasn't just some silly crush. Seungcheol told us about you two all the time, and even what little he saw proved that you really loved him. Some stupid surgery can't stop that," Joshua said, sounding both scolding and supportive. My gaze slid from his face, landing on the glass scattered over the counter and floor. Some of the glass on the floor was bloody. The trail led to Joshua. I looked back at his face. He didn't even look like he was in pain.

"You got hurt. You stepped in the glass and got cut. I-"

"No, you are not blaming it on yourself. We heard the glass break after you yelled and I didn't pay attention when I came in, I was more worried about you. It's my fault, okay, I am the reason I'm hurt. It's not your fault at all," Joshua insisted. I bit my lip and nodded. Jeonghan walked in and handed the clean clothes over. I stared at him and realized I hadn't seen the others yet. I let Joshua change my clothes as I spaced out, wondering.

"Where's everyone at? Why are you two here," I asked him quietly. Jeonghan sighed.

"They're talking to your manager. We told them to deal with him and we'd take care of you. They'd be sobbing messes right now if we had switched roles. Don't get me wrong, we still care for you, just… not as deeply as they do. They've known you longer, and they're already stressed as it is. They've been worried. They wanted to help you so bad when they heard you in here, but we knew they wouldn't take it well. They wouldn't be much help, so… we told them to go talk to the manager," Jeonghan said. Joshua nodded in agreement. I stayed quiet for a bit longer.

"I should clean the glass, so no one else gets hurt," I said, starting to stand. Joshua stood as well, gently putting me back on the toilet.

"Just stay here, Hansol. We'll do it. We don't want you to get hurt. No one does."

**Author's Note:**

> [CuriousCat](https://curiouscat.me/catfacekathryn)
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/catfacekathryn?s=09)


End file.
